Read by Janet and Kate Fullerlove

The Cow's Lament

I have just given birth to a calf, sir,
Of motherly pride I am full,
But please do not chaff, or stifle a laugh,
When I tell you I've not had a bull.


The farmyard's the dreariest place now;
The meadows are not even gay,
When the one bit of fun in the year's dismal run,
Has by science been taken away.


You may think I'm out of my place, sir;
There are some things a cow should not say,
But the land army tarts, who play with my parts,
Still get it the old fashioned-way!

---

A gum chewing girl
And a cud chewing cow
Are almost the same
Yet different somehow,
I've thought, and I've thought,
And the difference I vow,
Is the intelligent look
On the face of the cow

---

Said the curate of Stockton-on-Tees
To the girl in front on her knees
When I give you a kiss
You take hold of this
But be terribly careful of these!

---

The (k)night's tale

One lovely dark (k)night called Sir Ara,
Rode in from the Western Sahara.
He entered my room with his dark crimson plume,
And said "Come for a ride in my bara?"

---

There was once a fine surgeon named Darzi,
Who got all his knives arsi-tarsi.
When he took the first cut
There were miles of stray gut…
He invented a new form of art, see?

---

Our teacher's departure for N.Z.
Has left all his chicks in a frenzy
At Czerny we'll work,
And our scales never shirk,
And memorise Wagner's 'Rienzi'.

---

Came the (k)night at dawn, 07.30.
I was alone.
"Were you pleased with your operation?" he asked. Good opening, I thought.
I mumbled wonderful or something. He said they were really foxed, but did find something.
My cue to give him the reassurance we all need. I said that a year of scans had been useless
compared to the expert human hand. He went off to carve up the next customer.
I tell you, he's a dish.
 

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